How to steal something from Wal-Mart

Okay. First things first. Don’t do this. This is for entertainment, not for planning your next Wal-Mart purchase. Just like reading the anarchist’s cookbook, it’s not a good idea to actually use the knowledge you’re going to gain from this article. Read and think, don’t read and steal things from Wal-Mart. Also know that you’re a free human being that can choose to do anything they want, regardless of their action’s legality.

General things

Don’t steal anything worth more than $100. That’s a felony. Under a Benjamin and it’s just a misdemeanor. Best case with something cheap is you pay a fine and are forbidden to enter the store. If you can prove that it was a “spur of the moment” decision, it’s just theft. If they think it was premeditated, you have burglary and theft.

Be cool. Don’t run anywhere, but don’t screw around either. Get in, get what you came to steal, and get out. Know what you’re there for, where it is, and how you’re going to exit.

Treat all security cameras as if their only purpose is to get a look at your face. Act as if every camera in the store is pointed at you and only you. Don’t assume it’s just lazily panning back and forth, act like it’s out to get you. This doesn’t mean run around like an idiot juking the black domes on the ceiling. Just don’t look up at them.

Wear a “hey skipper” hat if you have one. If you don’t have one, buy one. Make it several sizes too big if you can, it’ll hide your face when you’re looked at from above, where most cameras are placed. Also know that hiding your face shouldn’t be a top priority. Chances are that if you are caught, it’ll be before you leave the store, so don’t sweat it if someone eyeballs you.

Don’t wear a hoody or a baggy coat, they make you look like a thief.

Find a “safe zone.” A place where there are few cameras. Your best bets are the auto parts and bike sections. This is where you’ll go to do some things you don’t want to be seen doing. Also, scope out the bathrooms. If there are security cameras in the bathrooms (there may be, just not in the stalls) then don’t use them as your safe zone. More importantly, if there is a person outside the bathrooms (i.e.: they’re by the layaway counter) then don’t use them as a safe zone. I bet the first place you thought of to use as a safe zone was the bathrooms. Wal-Mart knows you thought that, and has most likely made the bathrooms a mouse trap of cameras and LP agents. You’ll read about LP agents in just a moment.

Use the garden exit to come and go. It’s the least guarded and is often the most crowded and busy. Also, you can get outside without crossing the theft sensors. There are always sensors between you and the parking lot, but not always between you and the outside garden center. Expect to see a person sitting by the sensors in the outside garden section reading people’s receipts. It helps to have a buddy talk to the guy, or call him away to help him with something. Walk around the gates while the guy is away. Or have what you’re stealing in a bag, and swing the bag above the gates as you walk through. Kick it around the gates. Be creative.

Always have a bag with you. But don’t carry what you’re lifting in it. This way if someone stops you all you have to do is hand over your bag and let them look through it. They’ll let you go when they don’t find anything of interest.

About LP Agents

LP stands for “loss prevention.” They’re security guards that walk the store in plain street clothes looking for shoplifters such as yourself.

Don’t worry, they’re easy to spot. They pretend to be interested in things a lot, and always stop at the end of isles and look around like they’re looking for someone. They can be of any age or gender, so don’t mark old grannies off the list of people to avoid. You can test if someone is following you or not by walking along the main drag until you find an empty (or nearly) isle and walking into it. Pretend to look at something. If the person you’re “running” from joins you, no matter how nonchalantly, then you’ve grown a tail, and need to get out of there. Find a way to dump whatever you’re carrying and leave. Don’t think, “Well, maybe he’s just a normal guy.” So what? Just leave. Try again in a few days.

They’ll follow you out of the store before they confront you, so don’t treat the parking lot like a promised land. Just because you’re out of the store with your prize doesn’t mean you’re out of danger.

They’ll never accuse you of stealing anything, and if you haven’t left the store yet, you haven’t. Don’t act like you’re trying to get out of trouble. Talk like you’re surprised someone (who isn’t wearing a uniform) just started talking to you for no reason. If they ask something like, “Can I help you?” or “Are you ready to pay?”, then ask them why it’s any of their business. If they leave, then that’s great, if they tell you who they are and what they’re doing, then get all pissed off and say, “Are you accusing me of stealing!?” Chances are they’re just weak-minded teenagers getting paid minimum wage, so they’ll probably back down and leave you alone. If not, then break out whatever you where trying to lift and say, “Is this what you’re on me about?” Remember, you haven’t actually stolen anything if you’re still in the store.

Make sure you have enough money on you to pay for the item you intend to steal should you get busted by an LP. It’ll make it much easier to get out of trouble with the man if you have the power to purchase what they think you’re trying to lift.

Be aware that places like the electronics department are “hot zones.” They have a lot more cameras than other places in the store, and they always, always have LP people on patrol. You had better be good if you plan to lift something from here. Chances are all the good things are behind glass anyways. They usually won’t let you get hands on it until it’s paid for, so that video game or mp3 player you’re eyeballing is probably out of your reach.

Another great way to spot LP guys is to have a friend help you. If you think someone is following you, have your friend try and start a conversation with them. If they refuse to talk, or talk, but keep an eye on you, then have your buddy call your cell phone. Don’t pick it up; just let the ringing confirm your suspicion. See if you can get your buddy to hold him long enough for you to dump what you’re carrying so you can escape. You can also try seeing if LP agents will follow you near the bathrooms. If they do, they’re out to get you. Dump and leave.

Have a friend help you

If you have a friend who is willing to help you, then you’re in great shape. This should be a snap.

Both of you need cell phones you can use to call one another without looking at them. They must also have a vibration ring mode.

Use your phones not to talk, but to signal one another with rings (vibration).

Come in separate cars. You don’t know each other.

Don’t roll together. One of you needs to be the lifter and the other the transport. The “lifter” is the one that grabs the goods and gets them to a safe zone. The “lifter” dumps the goods in the safe zone and the “transporter” picks them up. Don’t keep making little runs, make one. The bathrooms are a good place to do this, even if they have people in them or guarding them. Both of you enter the bathroom (at different times, obviously) and either stash (under counters, behind/inside (the housing, not the bowl) toilets, etc) or swap (under the wall of side-by-side stalls) the goods. Leave at different times. The person who had the goods going in should leave first, as they’re the only one of the pair that’s going to get stopped. If you get stopped, then call the other person, giving them the signal to leave while the LPs are busy giving you a hard time.

Don’t ask a friend that works at Wal-Mart to help you lift stuff, they can’t. Some stores give their employees lie detector tests asking if they’ve stolen anything, helped anyone steal, or abused their employee discount. You would get your friend fired, and that’s not cool.

Have your buddy make a fool of himself at the theft gates by having an anti-theft tag on his back, on his sleeve, etc as you walk through behind him. Make sure he’s far enough ahead of you for the guards to grab him and not you. While the alarm is going off, walk through while the guards are strong arming your friend. He’s just a fool with a tag on his sleeve, so they’ll let him go. Obviously don’t have your friend carry anything on him during this, as they’ll make him walk through again after they take the tag off him, and it would look bad if the alarm went off again.

Cool FireFox Wallpapers

I normally don't blog things I find at Digg, but I thought these were cool. We're all FireFox users, so I figured I would share.

Check em out.

read more | digg story

iWant one, damnit

I just watched Steve Jobs' keynote speech where he unveiled the iPod nano, Apple's replacement for the iPod mini. I have to admit, it's damn slick. I want one. I really do.

That's the problem.

I hate the iPod and everything it stands for. (Aside from having a lot of music in your pocket, I like that part.) It's overpriced, it's...it's...well, okay, I'll admit that the only thing I have against the iPod is that I can't afford one.

I could come up with something about how Creative and Dell have "better" players for less cash, but they don't. They may cost less, or have a few odd features the iPod lacks, but they aren't "better". I've had my hands on several of said players, so I'm not just shooting words out of my ass. The Dell DJ is really nice, aside from it's a hard disk in a metal box that weighs thirty some pounds, and takes half a minute to power up or shut down. The Creative Zen Micro is covered with cheap plastic coating that develops annoying air bubbles and feels junky. My Creative MuVo would take a solid five minutes to fill with songs from my WMP library, and that only gave me about two hours of music. All of said players also eat through their batteries (internal or otherwise) like they're in some kind of damn race to charging dock. They also sport user interfaces that make my right thumb cry.

Whenever I see someone with an iPod, I want to run up to them and shake them like a rag doll whilst spouting my anti-iPod propaganda all over the room. I was at lunch a few days ago, just sitting around talking to friends, when Elissa (if I spelled her name wrong I'm sorry) starts talking about "the senior song" or something. I can't quite remember the name of the song, but I remember I had never heard of it before. She kept telling me that I would recognize the song if I heard it, and pulled some earbuds out of her purse. I put them in and waited for the song to play, and play it did, but I didn't hear it. You know why? Because my eyes had taken notice of the earbuds' cord.

It was white.

I followed the cord back to her hand; it was plugged into an iPod. My brain froze and a kaleidoscope of images flew through my mind. My iTunes library flew past, all my favorite songs started playing at once, and a flurry of color LCD menus with my favorite iTunes playlists on them shot out of the ground. I was iPwned. My resolve crumbled. Pass the goddamn Victory Gin and hook me up with a seat in front of a nice wide telescreen. I'm broken. Broken. I could feel Steve Jobs extend his cold grip through the Apple branded earbuds and grab my soul. At that moment something inside came unglued, unstuck. Some bit of solder fell off and a wire popped loose. My connection to the part of my brain containing all of my best anti-iPod thoughts and phrases was severed, and in it's place I found nothing but visions of myself inside an Apple store, on my knees, crying at all the cool things I would never have enough money to buy. Elissa had started talking again at this point, but I missed the first few words as I came out of my daze. She was asking me if I recognized the song. I said that I hadn't.

After writing the above, I went to the Apple store and looked through their wares. The most practical iPod, the 20 gig model, goes for $299. Three hundred dollars. That's a lot. For $300 you could get a PStwo and some games, a cheap TV, my computer (laugh if you please), a better video card, or countless other things. That's a nice chunk of change to drop on just something to replace your CD player. It makes my unemployed stomach cramp up like I've swallowed a rusty bear trap. I can't imagine what it must do to someone who actually has to pay bills, who actually has a feel for the value of the dollar. I'll admit that I, as a teenager who lives with his parents and has neither job nor car, do not.

But hey, look down at the bottom there. No, not the specs, or the included gear. Under all that. The credit option. You see that? Seven dollars a month. Seven. I could pull seven dollars out of my ass each week. I'm this close from fishing through the trash for one of those Sony credit cards teens get in the mail all the time. This close. Hell, I could just eat less at lunch and have a monthly payment every other day. That's nearly cheap as free.

Wait...

That's it. The game is over. I can write...no...more. I've just proved that the iPod is cheap. You read that last sentance okay? Did you catch all 31 letters? God. I need sleep.

Creative

Copyright? Bah.

We talked about copyright in school today, so I thought it would be a good idea to draw some attention to the “CC – Some Rights Reserved” button to the right.  That is the Creative Commons insignia, and it means that the content I create and post here is licensed to you, and anyone who sees it, under a license I created myself.  My custom license is very open.

You can copy, display, and perform my stuff in any way you want.  The whole thing if you want.  You could even mirror the whole damn site.  Go ahead.

You can build on it in any way you want.  I make an audio track you want to put vocals on?  Go ahead.  One of my stories has something in it you want to use?  Help yourself.  Dig my video game review videos, but want to use the footage and cut out my voice?  Have at it.

I only have a couple restrictions.  You have to tell people about me if you use my stuff.  You don’t have to include a biography or anything; a link to this page will be fine.  You can’t make money off my stuff (unless you plan to share with me).  You must share alike.  If you make something using my content, you have to put it out under the same license I used.  Your terms must be just like mine.

With that said, I haven’t made anything yet that I would fight for the copyright for, so you pretty much have free reign.  Aren’t I cool?